Proudly Resents, a fantastic podcast about cult movies that you should check out, pointed me to this video of a 3 & 6 year old reviewing A Talking Cat!?! Warning: Underoos.
A Talking Cat!?! is made up of subplots tied together by other subplots. As the old adage goes, two subplots does not a full plot make. But maybe a whole mess of subplots will confuse people into thinking they watched something of substance.
Subplots are like edible packing peanuts. It’s neat to try one or two, but don’t eat a whole box of them. You’ll get sick.
Phil, who is newly retired, is going to try his hand at cooking. Surprise! Phil is no good at cooking! In fact, he sets off the smoke detector.
The smoke detector! Whole smokes! Phil’s son, Chris, springs into action! You see, unlike everyone else over 5 years old, Chris still thinks a smoke alarm means danger and not “someone left a little crud in the oven when making a pizza.” This is lucky for us, because we get to see Chris come all the way down the stairs from his room.
That’s a relief. I was beginning to worry about how Chris was going to get down from the upstairs.
Chris expresses his concern about this beeping fire whatzit, and Phil admits “I can’t make waffles” like a man finally coming up for air after holding his breath for the last forty years. They’ll have to get a new “waffle machine.” Now this waffle device could very well be motorized. But I’m pretty sure everyone else calls it a “waffle maker.” Then again, Phil is bad at cooking. And words.
It feels like we’ve been talking about waffles for all of 10 seconds! Time to change the subject to what Chris is wearing. A blue polo and chinos. That’s certainly an unusual style of dress that sticks out and deserves mentioning.
It turns out Frannie is coming over. ANY MINUTE! Certainly a cause for khakis. But Phil doesn’t know who Frannie is. Phil! Don’t you remember the conversation you had about Frannie? Let me remind you.
Chris said “what do you do when you like a girl?” And then a cat came by and distracted you both. How could you not remember that and that Frannie was never mentioned?
Since the house smells like waffles, Phil suggests Chris and Frannie meet by the pool. This “Phil is bad at cooking” subplot will lead us nicely into the “Frannie only wants to swim” subplot. Genius!
Obviously, Chris is embarrassed when Phil offers to bring them juice by the pool. Which causes Chris to retreat. But how will he get back upstairs? I hope the show us.
A Talking Cat!?! is not a movie for kids. As much as I want everyone to watch this movie, all parents should be warned against showing A Talking Cat!?! to children. It won’t scar them with swears and nudity, but they will be bored and disappointed. There is nothing for them in this movie.
The fact is, A Talking Cat!?! is not for anybody. Well, my opinion is A Talking Cat!?! is for nobody. Just because I say the word “fact” doesn’t make it a fact. But, man, who was the intended audience for this thing?
A talking animal does not make a kids movie make. Especially when the animal’s voice sounds like empty bottles of booze being thrown down a hole lined with güiros. There are no themes in this movie for kids to relate to. Did someone really think “what will a rich man do with himself once he’s retired” would appeal to children? Hell, it doesn’t apply to the 99 percent!
Kids can be pretty dumb, but you can’t phone in a plate of excrement and expect them to smile while they eat it.
Is A Talking Cat!?! a family movie? No! These are horrible families. The brother and sister in the film are amazingly cruel to each other, and their mother is no better. Everyone in this movie hates everyone around them. In the end, the titular cat doesn’t draw people together so much as it distracts them from their own petty bullshit for a few minutes.
Is it a movie for adults? No! There is a talking cat in it, shoddy sound, poor editing, terrible scripting, and La Cucaracha plays far too often. If an adult is concerned about learning how to swim to impress a girl, then they might like this movie. But if that’s the case, they probably have overarching personality issues that would keep them from enjoying A Talking Cat!?!
So who is this film for? The lazy and the cynical. This film capitalizes on people who read the title and think this would be great for their kids, and people like me who read the title and think “oh man, this is going to be so bad.”
How is this a business model for movies? You know you have to pay Eric Roberts in real money, right? Licensing the distribution of a large quantity of hastily filmed movies can’t be that lucrative, can it? And if it is, I’m free to voice anything you want. I’ve been working on a voice for a seal that saves arbor day. Give me a call.
In conclusion, do not show A Talking Cat!?! to children. But do show it to everyone else. It is an amazing train wreck of a film.
A video comparing what A Talking Cat!?! and Goodfellas can do with the same amount of time.
The “action” of A Talking Cat!?! lines up surprisingly well.
A Talking Cat!?! Minus A Talking Cat!?!