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A Talking Cat!?!

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cheese puffs

Came From Somewhere To Say Something

Terrible mother Susan returns from…I don’t know. Someplace at least 5 minutes away. More than 5 minutes, actually. When we see Susan driving, she is literally (yes, for real literally) in the middle of nowhere. Because this is California, I will assume it took her at least 35 minutes to get home from wherever. So why has Susan come all this way?

We won’t find out until Susan screams “Tina” a few times before she gets inside the house. Now we’re in a hurry, film? You can’t wait the 5 seconds for Susan to get in the house? Remember how you just wasted three minutes of our time showing a car driving with no context or dialogue? Do you remember that, film?

Luckily, Tina is inside the house. She’s just taking the cheese puffs out of the oven because mom runs a catering company and forces her children to do the cooking. Terrible mother Susan.

Susan was with the investors serving breakfast. And now she’s back for more food. Economically speaking, it makes a lot of sense to drive 35 minutes each way to get the food you(’re children) cooked at your home and bring it back between meals.

Now let’s remember, Susan isn’t meeting with investors. She’s hitching her star to a toy company that is meeting with investors. If the investors put money into the toy company, that means big catering money from the toy company. I didn’t really need to explain that. We all know the big catering budget most toy companies have. It’s common knowledge that their catering needs can keep a single parent household afloat.

This scene is so goddamn insane! The cheese puffs, which will be mentioned 100 more times throughout the movie, are “top notch” in Susan’s opinion. Quality ingredients and such. In fact, Susan is “losing money on those cheese puffs.” Losing. Money. On. Cheese. Puffs.

“You have to spen-d money to make money,” Susan follows. To which Tina, the smartest dumb person in the film, says, “To MAYBE make money.” Losing money on cheese puffs. That’s like losing money by spitting on a fire hydrant. You don’t. It doesn’t make sense. None of this makes a lick of sense.

Here is my big question. Is the toy company not paying Susan? Is her payment the chance of catering for them if they get investors? That’s what it seems like. I’m not saying Susan doesn’t deserve to be treated poorly. She does. But that’s a dick move, toy company.

Anywho, Susan tells Tina to stick around in case the investors have any special requests. Which is a normal thing to say. Personally, when I’m at a catered luncheon, I like to approach a caterer and gently whisper “Hey, how about you get your daughter to whip me up something special.” Win-win. Either you get a special treat or you get punched and then you can sue.

This stupid movie.

Narcissistic Mom is Narcissistic

Scenery!?!Continuing down the long and winding road that is A Talking Cat!?!, we cut away from Tina (who is in her room trying super hard to read) to a 20-second scenery shot. Then we cut all the way to the living room where Trent is sitting on the couch with a thousand-yard stare. Fixing a fence really changes a fella.

Horrible mother Susan plops down on the couch next to Trent. A more observant parent might see that their child is contemplating dark and disturbing thoughts. Not Susan! She sits next to her son, beaming at him in the most oblivious way possible, waiting for him to start the conversation.

Beaming!?!

I mean, look at him! He’s looking at the floor! That’s some fine directing. Floor-looking is a sure sign of depression!

So Trent musters all the energy he can and asks his mom, using his best Eeyore impression, how the cheese puffs are coming. His voice is dripping with sadness. Susan replies that they’re in the oven, using a tone reserved for excited chipmunks in cartoons.

Let it not be said that Susan doesn’t understand how conversations work. She asks Trent how the fence is! Yes. Back and forth. Give and take. This certainly is a normal human interaction.

Finally, Susan realizes that Trent is “a little down” and says as much. Trent deflects her accusation with a mighty “I’m fine.” That’s good enough for Susan. Time to change the topic to movie marathons.

What kind of movie marathon? Humphrey Bogart. “Cellar door” may be the most phonetically beautiful phrase in the world, but Susan saying “Hum-frey Bow-gart” might be the ugliest sound ever made.

Trent escapes the situation by stating he needs to go for a walk. Parents? If your kid tells you they need to go for a walk then there is something seriously wrong with them. If you miss all the other warning signs of depression, at least keep an eye out for this one.

Next up? Phil watches “Hum-frey Bow-gart” and Duffy talks again.

How to run a business

20 minutes into A Talking Cat!?! and Duffy, the talking cat, still hasn’t talked. Let me remind you that this move is 83 minutes long. 10 minutes of which are credits. We’re a quarter of the way through A Talking Cat!?! and our talking cat has only had creepy thoughts about teenage girls.

Couch!?!

On to the current scene, which finds Tina and her mother named…something…being horrible to each other and everyone around them. Tina! Great idea! Why don’t you take an internship with the people mommy is running a catering event for?

According to A Talking Cat!?!, here’s how you run a catering business.

  • Do it out of your home.
  • Have a single oven.
  • Make sure that oven can only make one batch of things at a time.
  • Have a menu of only one item.
  • Preferably cheese puffs.

Oh, and sit on the couch a lot and yell at your kids and never actually be at the venue you’re catering for.

Today, we will focus on the “sitting on the couch and yelling at your kids” portion of this success equation. Susan called Tina jaded because she doesn’t want to work at a toy company.

Boy, this movie is full of tips. Parents, want to relate to your kids? Call them jaded! It will only make your relationship stronger!

Anywho, Tina just knows what she wants, “unlike some people.” This is a dig at her brother Trent, who ISN’T EVEN IN THE ROOM. He’s not even there! Quit being a horrible human being!

Trent!?!

If there is one thing A Talking Cat!?! excels in, it’s showing people enter and exit a scene. Trent will NOT let this “unlike some people” comment stand. In he rushes!

Hold up, Trent! Great idea! Why don’t you take the internship? “How much does it pay,” he asks. “I don’t know,” says Susan. “Goofus,” says Tina. “No, you’re the Goofus, actually,” says Susan.

WHAT IS HAPPENING? What are you even saying or talking about? Is this how human beings talk? Quit being assholes for two seconds!

Now, before you totally get behind the trodden upon Trent, he spouts this gem:

Besides, toys and stuff is for people with imaginations and creative type stuff.

Oh Trent.

Cheese Puffs supercut

From @TheRealAlbrot, the A Talking Cat!?! cheese puffs supercut! All the instances of “cheese puffs” mentioned in the movie.

They’re mentioned quite a bit. You have to fill time somehow.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

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