Things are about to get hairy in A Talking Cat!?! Hahaha, because…anyway. When last we saw our…not heroes. Ugh, this paragraph is a mess. Let’s move on.
Susan invited sloppy Phil in for a fresh glass of sweat fuel even though she was in a hurry. Better show the audience a quick shot of a different house to let the audience know we’re now in Susan’s house.
Clear? Okay. We return to not the house we saw, but Susan’s dumpy one story where Phil finishes a glass of water. Keeping Phil’s shirt damp is priority number one at this point.
With continued dampness assured, Susan and Phil have a casual chat. Remember when Susan said she was in a hurry? Susan doesn’t.
“Susan, I don’t want you to think I’m weird or anything,” says Phil right before the cheese puffs timer goes off. You know what good sentences follow that kind of bad sentence? None. None good sentences. Alas, Phil doesn’t get to follow up his bad sentence with another bad sentence because Susan must grab the pan of cheese puffs from the oven without any oven mitts.
Susan can’t let Phil help because the pan is hot. But the pan is hot. So she holds it with her hands. Even though the pan is hot. So Phil can’t help. Because the pan is hot. The pan is hot.
Phil successfully woos Susan into another rendezvous while Susan’s hands begin to peel from the burns.
Susan SCREAMS to Tina to let her know she’s leaving again. Tina enters and says the only sensible thing anyone in the movie ever says which is, “Who is this guy?” This is the correct reaction to a Phil being in your home.
Susan is so distracted by Tina’s question that she hands Phil the tray of hot cheese puffs that are hot. Remember the cheese puffs are hot? But Phil is also distracted. He sees a CAT! In the HOUSE!
“Duffy,” Phil exclaims as the heat of the hot cheese puffs and the surprise of a cat he has seen before short circuits his brain. Phil drops the cheese puffs. Susan’s singular catering item is a wreck! Probably. I mean, it was a foil tray with foil on top. So they’re probably fine. But, for the sake of going along with the “plot,” we’ll say they’re unsalvagable.
Now, Duffy did tell Phil not to freak out. But since he can’t talk to Phil again, he just thought it in his cat brain. Which helps nobody. Like talking to other drivers in your car. They can’t hear you. They’re in another car, dummy.
Phil tries to problem solve, offering to buy more cheese puffs. But, oh no, they’re made from scratch! And remember, Susan is losing money on these cheese puffs.
Wait, Tina wants to know how Phil knows Duffy. How is it possible that your neighbor has seen the same stray you have? The stray that wanders in and out of the doors everyone leaves open. Are there no bugs in California? Or snakes? Or spiders? Or murderers?
All the while, Susan is in the background trying to act devastated. This involves a lot of shifting weight from one foot to the next and bringing your hand to your mouth.
Hold up, Tina has more interrupting questions. “Is your name Phil,” asks Tina? To which, in a line I HOPE was improvised, Susan responds with an oil tanker’s worth of venom, “Yeah, I told you that when you came in.”
Tina is immune to her mother’s terrible parenting at this point and rolls on, putting it together that Phil is the rich computer coder guy that Duffy showed her on her computer. I’m not sure exactly what Phil retired from, but he’s rich and should be taxed more.
No time to stay on this train of thought. Susan is demanding Tina make more cheese puffs. Because that’s what you do when you run a catering company. Get your children to do all the work.
But they can’t make two trays at the same time (they need two trays now?) because Susan only has one oven. One oven that she uses for a catering company. But Phil has an oven. “I think I have two ovens,” he says. God, we have to eat the rich. You don’t know how many ovens you own?
Tina volunteers to go to Phil’s house but Susan objects for a little because, despite her knowledge of his water consumption, Phil is still a stranger. This is about the most parental thing Susan does this whole movie. Susan shoos Phil out of the house.
Tina persists that she has to talk to Phil since he is a smart computer guy. Then Susan, back to bad parenting form, informs Tina that “if you’re not making cheese puffs, you’re grounded.”
So Susan “runs” a catering business the same way dictators run a country. Through fear and intimidation.
And Duffy, the impish puck, makes some remark about how that didn’t go well. What is your plan, cat? Honestly! What are you even doing and why?
Okay, “what are you even doing and why” is its whole own blog entry. Because this movie is a disaster.