A Talking Cat!?!

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a talking cat

For the Shadowing

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Welcome back, me! It has been a while. Like, years a while. Why start this dumb Tumblr if you’re not going to finish the job of documenting the entire breadth of A Talking Cat!?! Let’s press on, shall we? It’s nice to see you too.

 When last we left Susan, she was packing away some cooling cheese. She made sure to do this very carefully, as there is a lot of time to fill. To make it seem exciting, the background music escalated like she was racing a clock. A clock that was also filling time. That’s not how clocks work.

Cut to, a river. Cut to, sloppy Phil crossing a wooden bridge the width of one car. Last we saw Phil, he was coming to murder Susan. I mean, he was going to take a walk in the woods. The woods where he will hide Susan’s remains. After he murders her.

As Susan carefully carries her chafing dish full of “top notch” cheese puffs to the car, she is witness to some foreshadowing. A car’s tires SCREECH (on a wooden bridge) as a…the hell kind of car is that?

Is that a swan? Is the car embarrassed to be in this movie so it’s sporting a fake logo? It’s possible I’m ignorant (very possible) as I’m not a car guy, but that doesn’t look legit to me. At the very least, it’s some aftermarket…front facing speakers? I don’t know.

Anyway, this guy almost runs over Phil like he’s going to run over Duffy. OH NO! You didn’t guess that’s what was going to happen later? I’m sorry to spoil the surprise. Duffy gets hit by this car. Later.

So car tires squeal on a wooden bridge, Phil almost dies, then he trots on over to Susan and makes small talk about her being a chef. Not a chef, a caterer. Don’t worry. Susan corrects Phil. Because caterers…aren’t chefs? Sorry for all the elipses. Maybe Susan didn’t go to culinary school, but she still cooks. Well, her children cook. Okay, I convinced me. She isn’t a chef.

The printing on Susan’s tag may be crooked. She probably saved money on the printing and then wasted that saved money on her money-losing cheese puffs.

That’s enough small talk. It’s a “big day for my company today,” Susan explains. But, hold on, let’s get some more small talk going. Do you want some water? Susan invites her serial killer in for another glass of water. This is his “my plan is working” face.

Well, that was fun wasn’t it? Another scene, gone by.

Wait, is that an exterior shot of not Susan’s house? I’ll save it for next time. But, I haven’t noticed that before? Next time! But! NEXT TIME!

A New Theory

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Hi! Oh. It’s been a while. Hey. I have a new theory on the creation of A Talking Cat!?!

We all know Eric Roberts’ voice work could be easily recreated by a Teddy Ruxpin running low on batteries. In interviews with David DeCoteau, it has been stated that the talking cat’s voice was recorded in 15 minutes. No surprise.

The article also states that David asked Eric if he wanted to do the voice work. And Eric agreed on the spot and rolled off the recording right then and there. But here is what I think happened.

I think Eric Roberts called up David’s voicemail of his own free will and left a rambling trail of nonsense and cat noises. David then said “I can build a movie around this” and had a script written around Eric’s voicemail.

Look. Okay. I don’t actually think that’s what happened. But it doesn’t sound implausible, does it?

Came From Somewhere To Say Something

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Terrible mother Susan returns from…I don’t know. Someplace at least 5 minutes away. More than 5 minutes, actually. When we see Susan driving, she is literally (yes, for real literally) in the middle of nowhere. Because this is California, I will assume it took her at least 35 minutes to get home from wherever. So why has Susan come all this way?

We won’t find out until Susan screams “Tina” a few times before she gets inside the house. Now we’re in a hurry, film? You can’t wait the 5 seconds for Susan to get in the house? Remember how you just wasted three minutes of our time showing a car driving with no context or dialogue? Do you remember that, film?

Luckily, Tina is inside the house. She’s just taking the cheese puffs out of the oven because mom runs a catering company and forces her children to do the cooking. Terrible mother Susan.

Susan was with the investors serving breakfast. And now she’s back for more food. Economically speaking, it makes a lot of sense to drive 35 minutes each way to get the food you(’re children) cooked at your home and bring it back between meals.

Now let’s remember, Susan isn’t meeting with investors. She’s hitching her star to a toy company that is meeting with investors. If the investors put money into the toy company, that means big catering money from the toy company. I didn’t really need to explain that. We all know the big catering budget most toy companies have. It’s common knowledge that their catering needs can keep a single parent household afloat.

This scene is so goddamn insane! The cheese puffs, which will be mentioned 100 more times throughout the movie, are “top notch” in Susan’s opinion. Quality ingredients and such. In fact, Susan is “losing money on those cheese puffs.” Losing. Money. On. Cheese. Puffs.

“You have to spen-d money to make money,” Susan follows. To which Tina, the smartest dumb person in the film, says, “to maybe make money.” Losing money on cheese puffs. That’s like losing money by spitting on to a fire hydrant. You don’t. It doesn’t make sense. None of this makes a lick of sense.

Here is my big question. Is the toy company not paying Susan? Is her payment the chance of catering for them if they get investors? That’s what it seems like. I’m not saying Susan doesn’t deserve to be treated poorly. She does. But that’s a dick move, toy company.

Anywho, Susan tells Tina to stick around in case the investors have any special requests. Which is a normal thing to say. Personally, when I’m at a catered luncheon, I like to approach a caterer and gently whisper “Hey, how about you get your daughter to whip me up something special.” Win-win. Either you get a special treat or you get punched and then you can sue.

This stupid movie.

Driving Me Crazy

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When we last left Phil, he told his investment banker that we was going for a walk in the woods. Cut to…

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…a car! Guess Phil decided to drive instead of walk. That’s not the worst scripting issue we’ve run into for A Talking Cat!?! So Phil drives.

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And drives.

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And drives.

Jeez, Phil. Were you really going to walk all this way to your neighbors? Phil finally arrives at…

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…whoops. Sorry. Still driving.

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And driving. Did I mention this scene has no dialogue? Anyway, still driving.

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And driving.

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And driv…oh wait! Phil made it! He finally arrived at Susan’s house! So Phil get’s out of the car and…

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…TWIST! It was Susan the WHOLE TIME! That’s one minute and twenty-two seconds of silent establishment for someone who (A) was not in the previous scene and (B) was never established at another location. We didn’t know she had to get back from somewhere because we didn’t know she was somewhere else! So why do we need to see Susan driving back for a minute and twenty-two seconds? This makes no sense! This is pre-Filmmaking 101.

If you give a rhesus monkey a choice between this scene and a wire mother, it’ll chose the wire mother.

Anywho, Phil is somewhere in the woods coming to murder Susan. It’s a good thing she got back home from wherever so she can be murdered.