Okay. Who knew atalkingcat.com was going to be an available domain, but here we are back on the road to
But before we become the metaphorical cat that gets hit by a metaphorical car and must get
Let’s get a couple things out of the way before the stream of consciousness blogging begins. This is another David DeCoteau kids film directed under the fake name Mary Crawford. And it’s not written by Andrew Helm, of Easter Puppy and A Talking Cat!?! fame.
- Start with Dee Wallace of ET fame doing the voice over. SURPRISE! She’s the voice of the cat. Super
duper. At least she doesn’t sound like she’s dying in a submarine likeEric Roberts.
- A teenager runs up to new porn house that is different from the old porn house. I miss the old porn house.
teenageris chasing a cat out of her room, you can see damage to the wall behind her done by the door opening to hard. They need to be careful with this rented porn house!
- Cut to a cat cam like the Jaws cam, but just for walking down the hallway.
- 2:30 seconds in, we get the title of the movie said out loud. That might be a record.
Catis a much better actor than Duffy. Duffy was a piece of trash.
- We’re going back to where this all started. Well fuck, why didn’t we start there. Now we get to watch someone arriving home to start the movie again. Unlike the start of the movie where someone arrived at
hometo start the movie.
- DEAD PARENT. This is the theme for all of these !?! movies.
- Cat narrates, flashes back to mom carrying in groceries, flashes forward to
catsitting there and narrating some more. That’s not how narration or time works cat!
- Two girls talking. Wait, is one of those the mom that was carrying groceries in? Someone state your relationship. The mom shot was from far away. State it now. C’mon, state it NOW. NOW. This is so confusing. They are practically the same age.
- Okay, mom came in. She was entering for a full 2 minutes. Hence my confusion. Those two girls are actually girls and there is an actual older mother. That makes me feel better?
- Mom is talking about a trip to the dentist and how the dentist “loves her mouth.” This is a kids movie.
- And the dentist is making a house call this evening. For some serious mouth looking?
- “Nothing wrong with a man who knows how to give oral examinations,” says the best friend. This is a kids movie.
- Exterior shot of a wedding chapel and wedding music. It wasn’t said, but I think the mom and dentist just got married in a 10 second aside that showed zero people in it.
- I mean, seriously. They just got married and then we’re on with…
- OH, BUT HOLD ON! There is an exterior shot of the A Talking Cat!?! porn house. I miss that house.
- The cat is owned by the dentist, which is why they weren’t there for the beginning of the story, but then why make them the GD narrator? Or start the story later?
- Nance, the daughter of mom, has a bunch of friends over and they’re describing a lot of things that have happened and will happen. Which is the best way to show
action.Wait, hold on. I’ve just been informed it is the worst way.
- They’re talking about how crowded the house is going to be with two more
people,like they don’t live in a fucking mansion.
- Nance is nervous about sharing a bathroom with a guy. Sharing a bathroom with a guy, Nance? That mansion has 7 bathrooms. I’ve checked. Really. I have. You don’t even have to see each other if you don’t want.
- Ahhh, this old porn house (which is just a shot of a pool that isn’t from the old porn house but the establishing shot made it look like it was) is Lucy’s, her…friend from the first scene? I can’t tell.
- Anywho, Victor shows up in the biggest sunglasses I’ve ever seen to tell Nance it’s time to go home. Victor is the titular stepbrother. He’s wearing all black, everybody!
- The two male friends are in a bit of a tiff after one says something to Lucy who storms off. Then one insults the other for his lack of smoothness and the non-smooth one doesn’t understand words and plays with the water like a frog who can only get his hands wet. It goes on too long.
- There is some intense hugging and talking and hugging between mom and new dad. Is kissing not allowed in these movies? I’m thinking back and I don’t think I saw a kiss in A Talking Cat!?!
- Like, they hug to start the conversation and hug to end it. And they act like it’s what they’ve been waiting to do all day. This is so weird. You’re going to make oral sex jokes but adults aren’t going to kiss? So so weird.
- Not much to say on this new scene as it actually made sense and seemed to move the plot forward. So so weird.
- As far as the acting goes, it’s better than A Talking Cat!?! Survivor’s Fabio isn’t terrible. This Nance character is a little rough though. Like a sandy wind blowing against an open wound.
- Now Nance and Lucy are hanging out at school and they’re having a conversation at an open terrace overlooking a freeway because you can hear cars whizzing by. More adventures in the art of sound production. Hey, at least we get a new location out of the deal.
- “The principle’s a she!?!” exclaims new tranfer stepbrother Vince. Wonder why that movie wasn’t made.
Okay, 20 minutes in. Time to give this movie a break and pick it up another night. Whew.
Welcome back, me! It has been a while. Like, years a while. Why start this dumb Tumblr if you’re not going to finish the job of documenting the entire breadth of A Talking Cat!?! Let’s press on, shall we? It’s nice to see you too.
When last we left Susan, she was packing away some cooling cheese. She made sure to do this very carefully, as there is a lot of time to fill. To make it seem exciting, the background music escalated like she was racing a clock. A clock that was also filling time. That’s not how clocks work.
Cut to, a river. Cut to, sloppy Phil crossing a wooden bridge the width of one car. Last we saw Phil, he was coming to murder Susan. I mean, he was going to take a walk in the woods. The woods where he will hide Susan’s remains. After he murders her.
As Susan carefully carries her chafing dish full of “top notch” cheese puffs to the car, she is witness to some foreshadowing. A car’s tires SCREECH (on a wooden bridge) as a…the hell kind of car is that?
Is that a swan? Is the car embarrassed to be in this movie so it’s sporting a fake logo? It’s possible I’m ignorant (very possible) as I’m not a car guy, but that doesn’t look legit to me. At the very least, it’s some aftermarket…front facing speakers? I don’t know.
Anyway, this guy almost runs over Phil like he’s going to run over Duffy. OH NO! You didn’t guess that’s what was going to happen later? I’m sorry to spoil the surprise. Duffy gets hit by this car. Later.
So car tires squeal on a wooden bridge, Phil almost dies, then he trots on over to Susan and makes small talk about her being a chef. Not a chef, a caterer. Don’t worry. Susan corrects Phil. Because caterers…aren’t chefs? Sorry for all the elipses. Maybe Susan didn’t go to culinary school, but she still cooks. Well, her children cook. Okay, I convinced me. She isn’t a chef.
The printing on Susan’s tag may be crooked. She probably saved money on the printing and then wasted that saved money on her money-losing cheese puffs.
That’s enough small talk. It’s a “big day for my company today,” Susan explains. But, hold on, let’s get some more small talk going. Do you want some water? Susan invites her serial killer in for another glass of water. This is his “my plan is working” face.
Well, that was fun wasn’t it? Another scene, gone by.
Wait, is that an exterior shot of not Susan’s house? I’ll save it for next time. But, I haven’t noticed that before? Next time! But! NEXT TIME!
Hi! Oh. It’s been a while. Hey. I have a new theory on the creation of A Talking Cat!?!
We all know Eric Roberts’ voice work could be easily recreated by a Teddy Ruxpin running low on batteries. In interviews with David DeCoteau, it has been stated that the talking cat’s voice was recorded in 15 minutes. No surprise.
The article also states that David asked Eric if he wanted to do the voice work. And Eric agreed on the spot and rolled off the recording right then and there. But here is what I think happened.
I think Eric Roberts called up David’s voicemail of his own free will and left a rambling trail of nonsense and cat noises. David then said “I can build a movie around this” and had a script written around Eric’s voicemail.
Look. Okay. I don’t actually think that’s what happened. But it doesn’t sound implausible, does it?
Good news, Phil! You’re no longer the sloppiest dude.