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A Talking Cat!?! 2: Scat or Die

There is now a halfpipe at the house where “A Talking Cat!?!” was filmed, so it’s time for a totally tubular sequel.

5 Years Ago

These are the types of memories I want to be reminded of.

My Stepbrother is a Vampire!?! – Live Blog Part 1

Okay. Who knew atalkingcat.com was going to be an available domain, but here we are back on the road to the car accident at the end of A Talking Cat!?!

But before we become the metaphorical cat that gets hit by a metaphorical car and must be magicked back to life by some metaphorical Christ-collar, let’s take an actual detour and visit another move in the !?! universe. That’s right, germs and viruses. It’s time for My Stepbrother is a Vampire!?!

Let’s get a couple of things out of the way before the stream of consciousness blogging begins. This is another David DeCoteau kids film directed under the fake name Mary Crawford. And it’s not written by Andrew Helm, of Easter Puppy and A Talking Cat!?! fame.

Start with Dee Wallace of ET fame doing the voice over. SURPRISE! She’s the voice of the cat. Super duper. At least she doesn’t sound like she’s dying in a submarine like Eric Roberts. Tapping SOS on pipes and singing drinking songs.
A teenager runs up to new porn house that is different from the old porn house. I miss the old porn house.
While teenager is chasing a cat out of her room, you can see damage to the wall behind her done by the door opening too hard. They need to be careful with this rented porn house!
Cut to a cat cam like the Jaws cam, but just for walking down the hallway.
2:30 seconds in, we get the title of the movie said out loud. That might be a record.
Cat is a much better actor than Duffy. Duffy was a piece of trash.
We’re going back to where this all started. Well fuck, why didn’t we start there? Now we get to watch someone arriving home to start the movie again. Unlike the start of the movie where someone arrived at home to start the movie.
DEAD PARENT. This is the theme for all of these !?! movies.
Cat narrates, flashes back to mom carrying in groceries, flashes forward to cat sitting there and narrating some more. That’s not how narration or time works, cat!
Two girls talking. Wait, is one of those the mom that was carrying groceries in? Someone state your relationship. The mom shot was from far away. State it now. C’mon, state it NOW. NOW. This is so confusing. They are practically the same age.
Okay, mom came in. She was entering for a full 2 minutes. Hence my confusion. Those two girls are actually girls and there is an actual older mother. That makes me feel better?
Mom is talking about a trip to the dentist and how the dentist “loves her mouth.” This is a kids movie.
And the dentist is making a house call this evening. For some serious mouth looking?
“Nothing wrong with a man who knows how to give oral examinations,” says the best friend. This is a kids movie.
Exterior shot of a wedding chapel and wedding music. It wasn’t said, but I think the mom and dentist just got married in a 10 second aside that showed zero people in it.
I mean, seriously. They just got married and then we’re on with…
OH, BUT HOLD ON! There is an exterior shot of the A Talking Cat!?! porn house. I miss that house.
The cat is owned by the dentist, which is why they weren’t there for the beginning of the story, but then why make them the GD narrator? Or start the story later?
Nance, the daughter of mom, has a bunch of friends over and they’re describing a lot of things that have happened and will happen. Which is the best way to show action. Wait, hold on. I’ve just been informed it is the worst way.
They’re talking about how crowded the house is going to be with two more people, like they don’t live in a fucking mansion.
Nance is nervous about sharing a bathroom with a guy. Sharing a bathroom with a guy, Nance? That mansion has 7 bathrooms. I’ve checked. Really. I have. You don’t even have to see each other if you don’t want.
Ahhh, this old porn house (which is just a shot of a pool that isn’t from the old porn house but the establishing shot made it look like it was) is Lucy’s, her…friend from the first scene? I can’t tell.
Anywho, Victor shows up in the biggest sunglasses I’ve ever seen to tell Nance it’s time to go home. Victor is the titular stepbrother. He’s wearing all black, everybody!
The two male friends are in a bit of a tiff after one says something to Lucy who storms off. Then one insults the other for his lack of smoothness and the non-smooth one doesn’t understand words and plays with the water like a frog who can only get his hands wet. It goes on too long.
There is some intense hugging and talking and hugging between mom and new dad. Is kissing not allowed in these movies? I’m thinking back and I don’t think I saw a kiss in A Talking Cat!?!
Like, they hug to start the conversation and hug to end it. And they act like it’s what they’ve been waiting to do all day. This is so weird. You’re going to make oral sex jokes but adults aren’t going to kiss? So so weird.
Not much to say on this new scene as it actually made sense and seemed to move the plot forward. So so weird.
As far as the acting goes, it’s better than A Talking Cat!?! Survivor’s Fabio isn’t terrible. This Nance character is a little rough though. Like a sandy wind blowing against an open wound.
Now Nance and Lucy are hanging out at school and they’re having a conversation at an open terrace overlooking a freeway because you can hear cars whizzing by. More adventures in the art of sound production. Hey, at least we get a new location out of the deal.
“The principle’s a she!?!” exclaims new tranfer stepbrother Vince. Wonder why that movie wasn’t made.

Okay, 20 minutes in. Time to give this movie a break and pick it up another night. Whew.

A Pony Tale: A Live Blog

A Pony Tale, formerly known as A Talking Pony!?!, is streaming on Netflix. Here is a record of my live reaction to the, assumed, horrors I am about to encounter.

Before we start, here are some things I know, or think I know. A Pony Tale is another straight to video movie directed by David DeCoteau under the pseudonym of Mary Crawford. It stars the two horrible adults from A Talking Cat!?!, Kristine DeBell and Johnny Whitaker. Johnny will be providing the voice of the talking horse. Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert. The horse talks. Horse. Not pony. Horse.

And now, we watch.

The Phase 4 Films logo sends chills down my spine.
Directed by Mary Crawford. Why are you even trying to fool anyone, David?
Music is once again by Harry Manfredini, who has fallen so far from scoring Friday the 13th.
Opening stock DeCoteau shot of misty pine tree covered hills, followed by a brand new stock shot of a rock outcropping on a lake I haven’t seen before! Movie! You are surprising me!
Another new stock shot followed by old stock establishing shot of the one building DeCoteau uses that hasn’t been foreclosed on by the bank. Not a joke.
It’s morning, and an alarm clock goes of in a “melancholy” teenager’s room. After silencing the alarm, she leaps to the end of her bed, yelling “ah hah” at nobody. She seems confused that no one was hiding at the foot of her bed.
Under the bed? Nope. Pete and Craig should be hiding in her room. Confused? Don’t worry. Maybe this establishing shot of a rock face will clear everything up.
The rock face didn’t clear up the situation? Certainly this babbling brook will but things in order.
Still no? Maybe spending 20 seconds leering at a conifer will solve the problem.
Now that we understand…no? Okay, how about waves lapping against the lake shore?
Unnamed girl exists her room dressed for the day. If it ever takes me four establishing shots to get dress, it’s time to take me to the farm. But not this farm. Or ranch. Or whatever. This movie is going to kill me.
Breakfast is on the table. Perhaps put there by ghosts? “Mom?” No answer. “Is this my birthday? Where is everybody?” If this a post apocalyptic (pony) tale of survival and abandonment, I will be so happy.
Lake shot.
Waterfall shot.
GODDAMIT! You know, you think you’ve seen everything. I KNEW the pony on the DVD cover wouldn’t match the horse in the movie. It was the same with the cats and dogs in DeCoteau’s other movies. But the girl! The girl on the DVD cover is, number one, not credited on the DVD cover. But, number two, is NOT the girl in the movie. Holy shit. That. Is. Incredible. For so many reasons.
Trying to focus here. This is just beyond anything that could even make sense.
Okay, we were at some nature shots. Now girl is feeding Horatio the horse. How is he doing? “Doing great.” What? We’re only 4 minutes in and the horse already talked? Slow it down, DeCoteau. You’re going to give me whiplash! You lulled me into a false sense of security with these nature shots.
Oh. It was girl’s brother who said that. He was hiding in a shed with her other brother and mom. Because life on a ranch is dull and sometimes you need to make breakfast and then hide to play a bad joke.
I call bullshit, because that was fucking Johnny Whitaker’s voice coming out of the horse, not her brother.
The amount of swearing in these updates will only increase.
“I love you sis.” “You do?” “Now we’re the big happy family you always wanted..” Okay, okay. This is most certainly a dream sequence.
Apparently the ranch is close to bankruptcy. I learned this due to clumsy narration on Girl’s part. But, don’t worry. They won the lottery? So a dream sequence.
Yep, it was all a dream. If your dreams have dull establishing shots of the woods, you should seek the help of a professional immediately.
Pete and Craig are in Girl’s room putting shaving cream on Girl’s face. Because they are geniuses. Girl is also their step-sister. Oh, DeCoteau! You and your unconventional family units!
Plot. Ranch is in trouble. Ranch is being sold today. Establishing shot.
Establishing shot.
Juliette! We have a name! Or Jules. Goddammit, they’re arguing about what to call her. Just give us someth…whatever. I’m calling her Girl.
“Miracles are possible if you put your mind to it.” Let’s check the dictionary on that. Oh, nope! Wikipedia say “a miracle is an event not ascribable to human power or the laws of nature and consequently attributed to a supernatural, especially divine, agency.” Sorry. Your human mind power can’t help you here.
I can’t make fun of establishing shots anymore. It takes up too much time.
Brothers are…posing for each other on the porch. Like brothers do. Oh, sonofabitch! I just realized. This is Cinderella! Fuck you Sebastian Dinwiddie, screenwriter of A Pony Tale.
Backstory. Ranch belonged to Girl’s father. Father died. Enough backstory.
Mr. Beetle is coming from the bank to help suss out the options and plot plot plot. Time to watch a montage of a horse trotting around!
Enter Mr. Beetle and Wesley. Mr. Beetle plans to turn the ranch into the biggest mall in America. This tiny house connected to a single horse stall will become the biggest mall in America. I guess they’re going to build up, not out.
Car drives in silence for a minute or two. Because we’re going for realism here.
I tried not to beat up on the young actors in A Talking Cat!?! too much because they were doing their best. The parents in the film were much worse actors. Can’t be said here. Congrats, Wesley. You get the worst acting award.
And then, Mr. Beetle and Wesley hit a deer (that we don’t see) with their car. And a slide whistle goes off to indicate that they made contact. Or a penguin fell down someplace.
I saw Her today and really liked it. There was a group of four ladies in the front row who represented four generations of the same family line. Aside from talking, giggling, and playing on their phones throughout the entire film, afterwards I heard them say it was the worst movie they had ever seen. I wish I were that naive sometimes.
Stepbrothers come out of nowhere to get their money back. Okay, there is a running gag where Girl keeps tricking them out of their money. It’s the same style of idiotic tricks that are written into A Halloween Puppy to deal with bullies. Which wasn’t written by Sebastian Dinwiddie, but Andrew Helm. Hmm.
GODDAMMIT! You assholes and your pseudonyms! Sebastian Dinwiddie is a name from a bit by Abbott on Costello in a movie called The Naughty Nineties. The bit revolved around the unusual name Sebastian Dinwiddie. Sebastian Dinwiddie, in IMDB, only has 3 movies to his name.
Ladies and gentleman. I make claim that Sebastian Dinwiddie is Andrew Helm. Your horribly scripted logic puzzles gave you away, Helm! I gotcha! I gotcha!
I’ve been blogging for an hour and am only 18 minutes into this garbagefest. I need to pick it up or I will surely drown in garbage.
Jules tricked her stepbrothers out of their money and is hiding. Which will lead to a “magical horseshoe” dropping on her head. Any minute now.
Stepbrothers leave. Because why would you look in the only shed on the property that is five feet from you?
And, Girl is hit by horseshoe. Knocking her down. This calls for a long panning shot of some woods.
Now for a hilarious bit from Mr. Beetle about why anyone would put a deer crossing sign where people would drive. Oh, Mr. Beetle. You’re so out of touch with the country.
“Kim. That’s short for Kimberly, isn’t it?” Quite the intuition you have there, Mr. Beetle! Please! Don’t waste your brain powers on us mortals! The universe needs you!
Really hoping Kristine DeBell and young Wesley get to have a scene alone together. Then we’ll really see what acting isn’t.
As Juliet awakes, Horatio the horse explains that the lucky horse shoe knocked her out. Because now he’s talking. Do I have the patience for this?Juliet and Horatio have a conversation that amounts to nothing.
Girl and Horatio could delve deeper into human/animal relations, but instead we see a horse grooming montage. Nothing says “you’re an intelligent creature on the same level as me” like putting a saddle on said creature and riding it.
If we ever make contact with aliens, I’m sure the first thing we do will be to ride them.
Haha, confused by what “green thumb” means! Oh, Mr. Beetle. You are tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.
Juliet and Wesley meet and fall in love. Or will fall in love. That’ll be an annoying little plot to follow. Wesley will show he is falling in love by getting stuck in the rain and falling apart. Because he is cardboard. His acting is like cardboard.
Mr. Ed jokes. OW! My eyes almost fell out from the rolling.
On the plus side, Johnny Whitaker’s voice is crisp and clear. Unlike Eric Roberts’ in A Talking Cat!?!
Now Wesley gets in on fooling the dumb stepbrothers with bullshit logic that comes in a book of brain teasers for two year olds.
50 minutes left. Praying for another 15 minute credit sequence.
Girl brings Horatio around to see Mr. Beetle, to try and save the farm. Because he’s a talking horse! But, surprise, only she can her him! How confusing for Girl.
HORATIO ENJOYS LONG WALKS IN THE WOODS! Just like the dad from A Talking Cat!?! I’m pretty excited by that.
Horse tells jokes. There is confusion about why everyone else can’t hear the horse. Horse grooming montage.
And Girl is riding the horse again. Because when the chips are down and your beloved ranch is about to be sold, you dick around like everything is normal. Also like the horse you’re riding didn’t talk to you.
This is a bad movie. Don’t know if you gathered that yet.
More Girl talking to horse and people think she’s talking to them humor. I’d put quotations around humor, but I already used my quotation marks up.
Wesley is catching on to Girl’s predicament. And they will bond over it.
Mr. Beetle is about to take his deal and leave, but his back is thrown out! Thank goodness! Now he can stick around and they can convince him to buy the ranch, just like they don’t want! Wait.
Kim adjusts Mr. Beetle’s back. Duck sound.
Another horse montage. There is no Zeus!
I have to admit. I’m not fully watching this, the longest of horse montages. I’m trying to find more proof that Andrew Helm is Sebastian Dinwiddie.
I’m only commenting on the important stuff now. Okay, okay. Girl is telling Wesley about all the tricks her stepbrothers play on her. Like the time they tied one of her feet to the bed and put her alarm clock just out of reach! Oh, but wait! Flashback! Now we get to see what she just described! Alarm goes off and she…turns it off. And then trips on the rope she is tied to. That’s…that’s not what you just described. That’s…what is happening?
Now Girl is hitting Wesley with a magic horseshoe so she can her Horatio. Sorry, sorry. I said I’d only comment on important stuff. This is just horrible plot nonse…oh, wait. Now that Wesley is knocked out, he is having a dream where he’s conversing with trees and gross. Show me more of that. No, don’t wake him up and go back to the plot. No, stop it movie! Just stop. Stop it all. Just, no more.
23 minutes left. Is hoping for 20 minutes of credits too much?
After Mr. Beetle’s back adjustment, he and Kim are in love. Or something close to it. Because nothing needs to makes sense. It’s just a movie, after all. It’s something you watch between sleeping and pooping. Why put any effort into it?
Wesley fell asleep after Horatio talked to him. The only way to wake him up is with a kiss. Again, see above explanation about the futility of not needing anything to make sense ever in anything.
They can’t hit everyone in the world on the head with a horseshoe, so they can hear Horatio. Also, “maybe there’s a limited amount of magic in the horseshoe.” Making. So. Much. Sense.
I need a million little Dutch boys to fill these plot holes.
I want to murder everyone. Not just the people in this movie. I can’t take much more of this nonsense.
Surprise! The ranch was sold! Surprise! Mr. Beetle had a change of heart! Now he’s changing the place into a spa ranch thinger. So, thank goodness, the horse saved the ranch! Or, no. No. The back adjustment saved the ranch. The talking horse was unnecessary. THE TALKING HORSE WAS UNNECESSARY!
Please leave your doors unlocked, everyone. I will be over to murder you soon.
And we end on a horse montage. Goodnight, everyone. Sleep with one eye open.
Wait one fucking second here. What is this shit? You lazy fuckers. You changed the title at the beginning but not the end?
I hate everything now.

Magic Puppy: Live Reactions

It’s time to watch Magic Puppy, from the writer and director team behind A Talking Cat!?!, and spew out words as they come to me. It’ll be terrible.

Opening credits call the movie The Magic Puppy. Which differs from Magic Puppy, A Magic Puppy, A Halloween Puppy, and The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure. This movie has 5 different titles. And you thought it didn’t get worse than Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.
Opening credits use music NOT from A Talking Cat!?! and look semi professional. Except for the random floating Glamour Shots of dogs next to Frankenstein(’s monster)s.
Jerk slow motion pan over a model city made of damp cardboard. And, pan down to an establishing shot used in A Talking Cat!?! The one where Phil is quoting Humphrey Bogart.
Kristine DeBell stumbles down the hallway in a POV shot to wake her sleeping son. It is night time. The perfect time to wake someone up to tell them about your day at work.
Pumpkin wipe transition.
Two scenes without a shirtless man. David DeCoteau is losing his touch.
Classic Kristine DeBell. Pausing with a dumb look on her face, assumedly trying to remember her lines.
Enter Eric Roberts, who sticks his fingers in all the donuts he just brought, licks his fingers, and sticks them back in.
10 minute mark. Zero puppies.
Ghost wipe transition.
Ne-CHROME-a-con? It’s pronounce ne-al-u-min-ium-a-con, dummies.
The sun is having a heart attack trying to light the actor’s faces. Outside.
This kid’s 30 year old girlfriend looks like she needs a hit.
Needless to say, this film takes place is the same house used in many David DeCoteau movies.
Cabin casually brought up. Because if you have two locations to use, you need to use them in every film.
Enter the twins. Who are…bullies? Passive aggressive bullies. They look like they might strip at any moment, but don’t.
Mom comes out to help her son, and then lets the “bullies” steal the Halloween decorations.
Witch wipe transition.
20 minute mark. Still no dogs.
The entire score is someone vamping on cymbals and the piano.
Roberts and DeBell are working on their relationship. So they’re going on a weekend away together. With DeBell’s son. And his girlfriend. So all by themselves, except the other people.
Eric Roberts turns in a performance equal to or lesser than that of A Talking Cat!?! Sounds sleepy/drugged.
Son’s 30 year old girlfriend is trying to cast spells. Which accidently turns Eric Roberts into…a sleepier Eric Roberts.
The most intense blue filter is being used to represent night time. But that doesn’t work when the clouds are solid white.
Night time outside, no blue filter day inside. “Goodnight mom.”
And now, 27 minutes in, Eric Roberts become a dog. DeBell call’s to her son to look at this. And, in classic DeCoteau fashion, we get to see the son wind his way down the huge stair case and waste our damn time.
Eric Roberts doesn’t seem to know he is a dog. Sadly, his mouth isn’t being horribly animated. At least the dog is staying in on place without the use of a laser pointer.
Now the family is taking this strange dog along with them on the trip. Because logic.
Why is everyone afraid of these twins? Also, nobody has changed their clothes. It is tomorrow, after all. I think. I can’t tell, because it’s not night day.
Stock white car driving around scene. I’d say the people in the car are vamping their conversation, but anything made up off the cuff would sound better than this.
Oh my god, this driving scene will never end.
And we arrive a second standard DeCoteau location, the cabin.
This is a kids movie. What kid hasn’t dreamed about how an adult relationship on the brink of disaster might change if one of the adults turned into a dog?
More Eric Roberts voice over of him making general discovers about things a dog might think.
Location…3? Mind blown. Inside lives girlfriend’s witch friend. Or a hippy.
And the DeBell petting and playing with puppy Eric Roberts scene is where the sex would go in a non-kids DeCoteau film.
No grown woman should be wearing this many beads.
And back to petting Eric Roberts.
45 minutes in. Still no shirtless boys.
I can’t believe there are 35 minutes left.
Time to talk about why Eric Roberts hasn’t found it way to the cabin. This will, in all likelihood, last for 35 minutes.
You guys! Quit talking about Eric Roberts! He’s right over there! And a dog! Yikes! You guys are going to be sooooo embarrassed.
Eric Roberts doesn’t want to go to the pound because he has a family already. Which explains why he is dating someone. Wait a sec…
More petting Eric Roberts action. Also, Kristine DeBell just ate some grass.
You guys! Every religion and tribe regards this time of year as sacred! I believe it, because I heard it from a hippy who pretends to be a witch in a kids movie!
Through nonsensical logic, the boy and 47 year old girlfriend figure out they turned Eric Roberts into a puppy. How do you reverse a spell? Say the same spell…backwards! There is your magical antidote to any spell cast on you.
This magic effect is the same one used when Duffy is saved (dies for our sins) in A Talking Cat!?!
So now we have 24 minutes of trying to turn Eric Roberts back into Eric Roberts.
Now everyone needs to go BACK from the cabin to the first house to turn Eric Roberts back. But they have time to stop at some haunted houses along the way. Along the deserted road in the country where they are the only car for miles around.
A Talking Cat!?! was a delight of massive horribleness. This movie is a bland dull bad that is tough to watch.
One hour in, no shirtless fellas.
Oh no! I forgot. Since they’re going back to the first location, they have to show the car driving and “ad lib” conversation again for five minutes.
Whoa, a shot of cars driving in the city! That’s new and slightly exciting.
Ghost wipe back to the first house.
Oh no! The twins left their haunted house on the off chance they’d find someone running around with an old spell book. Logical!
If boy wants the book back, he has to go through the twins’ haunted house! Oh no?
In the haunted house? Gravestones. Couch with sheet on it. Child’s drawing. Rubber bat. Cotton spiderwebs. Plastic spider. Chair with sheet on it. More cobwebs. Cowboy and gorilla. Cowboy and gorilla.
Oh no! That old hippie lady was Cindy from the Brady Bunch.
Synopsis of 50 year old girlfriends most recent movie: A Christian girl goes off to college for her freshman year and begins to be influenced by her popular Biology professor who teaches that evolution is the answer to the origins of life. When her father suspects something happening, he begins to examine the situation and what he discovers completely catches him off guard. Now very concerned about his daughter drifting away from the faith, he tries to do something about it.
From witchcraft to young Earth Creationist propaganda in two films. That’d make anyone’s head spin.
60 year old girlfriend scares cowboy with magic. Cowboy hides behind gorilla. They retreat.
BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE FILTER!
And Eric Roberts is Eric Roberts again. With…12 minutes left in the movie. With 5 minutes held over for credits, we still have 7 minutes of bullshit left.
Eric Roberts is moving his neck around like a velociraptor. I’m not handling this well.
Oh, 70 year old girlfriend finally kissed the young boy. Because they weren’t girlfriend/boyfriend this whole time.
And now, 9 minutes of credits. 9 minutes? There is no god.
That’s it. The end. Do not watch Magic Puppy. Seriously. No shirtless guys. What’s the point?

The evolution of a Magic Puppy

Magic Puppy, formerly known as A Magic Puppy, A Halloween Puppy, and The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure, is now streaming with its new dog, poster, and tagline. This Halloween, unleash the IMPAWSIBLE with Eric Roberts.

Magic Puppy is written by the same person who wrote A Talking Cat!?! I could have used a bunch of sarcastic quotation marks there, but I didn’t.

https://atalkingcat.com/47/

cakeinmilk:

These are all the same film.

The dogs (all different) are taken from a stock photo website. None of them are the dog in the actual film.

The house is also a stock photo.

The director, David DeCoteau is better known for his soft-core gay porn horror films.

Some of the shots in this film are duplicated in David DeCoteau’s later masterpiece, A Talking Cat!?! which also stars Kristine DeBell and Eric Roberts.

This film is not as good as A Talking Cat!?!

https://atalkingcat.com/cakeinmilk-these-are-all-the-same-film-the/

A Talking Cat!?! is The Room of anthropomorphic animal movies featuring Eric Roberts

The AV Club takes an in depth look at career of Eric Roberts while taking apart A Talking Cat!?!

red-scout-desu:

ftmark:

transmutes:

anikicomplex:

i just spent one hour and 25 minutes of my time watching this movie. was it worth it? yes. i sat down for an hour and almost a half watching how a brilliant talking cat brought two families together. they literally use a moving mspaint black circle and a bad microphone recording to make the cat look like it was talking

okay BUT ALSO I THINK IT IS CRITICAL THAT YOU WATCH THE TRAILER AT LEAST because LOOK IT WAS MADE IN THE YEAR 2013 AND ALSO LOOKS LIKE YOUVE WALKED ONTO THE SET OF A LOW BUDGET TALKING CAT PORNO

OK actually IT IS THE SET OF A SOFTCORE PORN MOVIE

ACTUALLY

CHECK THIS OUT:

that’s the talking cat movie ^

and here’s 1313:UFO INVASION vvvvv

SAME DOOR

I LOOKED IT UP, SAME PRODUCTION COMPANY

1313:UFO INVASION IS LITERALLY TWINKY DUDES SWIMMING IN A POOL, GETTING TIED UP, AND GOING FOR VERY LONG WALKS

watch the trailer here

i like how that’s not even the cat in the movie

i also love the “other things that our actors were in”. holy shit! kristen debell from meatballs? NO WAY

A lovely Tumblr string of different people discovering the madness behind A Talking Cat!?!. More importantly, the string has gotten 9,000 likes. That’s 9,000 people on Tumblr that know about A Talking Cat!?! It doesn’t get much better than that.

https://atalkingcat.com/red-scout-desu-ftmark-transmutes/