my stepbrother is a vampire

Okay. Who knew atalkingcat.com was going to be an available domain, but here we are back on the road to the car accident at the end of A Talking Cat!?!

But before we become the metaphorical cat that gets hit by a metaphorical car and must be magicked back to life by some metaphorical Christ-collar, let’s take an actual detour and visit another move in the !?! universe. That’s right, germs and viruses. It’s time for My Stepbrother is a Vampire!?!

Let’s get a couple of things out of the way before the stream of consciousness blogging begins. This is another David DeCoteau kids film directed under the fake name Mary Crawford. And it’s not written by Andrew Helm, of Easter Puppy and A Talking Cat!?! fame.

• Start with Dee Wallace of ET fame doing the voice over. SURPRISE! She’s the voice of the cat. Super duper. At least she doesn’t sound like she’s dying in a submarine like Eric Roberts. Tapping SOS on pipes and singing drinking songs.
• A teenager runs up to new porn house that is different from the old porn house. I miss the old porn house.
• While teenager is chasing a cat out of her room, you can see damage to the wall behind her done by the door opening too hard. They need to be careful with this rented porn house!
• Cut to a cat cam like the Jaws cam, but just for walking down the hallway.
• 2:30 seconds in, we get the title of the movie said out loud. That might be a record.
• Cat is a much better actor than Duffy. Duffy was a piece of trash.
• We’re going back to where this all started. Well fuck, why didn’t we start there? Now we get to watch someone arriving home to start the movie again. Unlike the start of the movie where someone arrived at home to start the movie.
• DEAD PARENT. This is the theme for all of these !?! movies.
• Cat narrates, flashes back to mom carrying in groceries, flashes forward to cat sitting there and narrating some more. That’s not how narration or time works, cat!
• Two girls talking. Wait, is one of those the mom that was carrying groceries in? Someone state your relationship. The mom shot was from far away. State it now. C’mon, state it NOW. NOW. This is so confusing. They are practically the same age.
• Okay, mom came in. She was entering for a full 2 minutes. Hence my confusion. Those two girls are actually girls and there is an actual older mother. That makes me feel better?
• Mom is talking about a trip to the dentist and how the dentist “loves her mouth.” This is a kids movie.
• And the dentist is making a house call this evening. For some serious mouth looking?
• “Nothing wrong with a man who knows how to give oral examinations,” says the best friend. This is a kids movie.
• Exterior shot of a wedding chapel and wedding music. It wasn’t said, but I think the mom and dentist just got married in a 10 second aside that showed zero people in it.
• I mean, seriously. They just got married and then we’re on with…
• OH, BUT HOLD ON! There is an exterior shot of the A Talking Cat!?! porn house. I miss that house.
• The cat is owned by the dentist, which is why they weren’t there for the beginning of the story, but then why make them the GD narrator? Or start the story later?
• Nance, the daughter of mom, has a bunch of friends over and they’re describing a lot of things that have happened and will happen. Which is the best way to show action. Wait, hold on. I’ve just been informed it is the worst way.
• They’re talking about how crowded the house is going to be with two more people, like they don’t live in a fucking mansion.
• Nance is nervous about sharing a bathroom with a guy. Sharing a bathroom with a guy, Nance? That mansion has 7 bathrooms. I’ve checked. Really. I have. You don’t even have to see each other if you don’t want.
• Ahhh, this old porn house (which is just a shot of a pool that isn’t from the old porn house but the establishing shot made it look like it was) is Lucy’s, her…friend from the first scene? I can’t tell.
• Anywho, Victor shows up in the biggest sunglasses I’ve ever seen to tell Nance it’s time to go home. Victor is the titular stepbrother. He’s wearing all black, everybody!
• The two male friends are in a bit of a tiff after one says something to Lucy who storms off. Then one insults the other for his lack of smoothness and the non-smooth one doesn’t understand words and plays with the water like a frog who can only get his hands wet. It goes on too long.
• There is some intense hugging and talking and hugging between mom and new dad. Is kissing not allowed in these movies? I’m thinking back and I don’t think I saw a kiss in A Talking Cat!?!
• Like, they hug to start the conversation and hug to end it. And they act like it’s what they’ve been waiting to do all day. This is so weird. You’re going to make oral sex jokes but adults aren’t going to kiss? So so weird.
• Not much to say on this new scene as it actually made sense and seemed to move the plot forward. So so weird.
• As far as the acting goes, it’s better than A Talking Cat!?! Survivor’s Fabio isn’t terrible. This Nance character is a little rough though. Like a sandy wind blowing against an open wound.
• Now Nance and Lucy are hanging out at school and they’re having a conversation at an open terrace overlooking a freeway because you can hear cars whizzing by. More adventures in the art of sound production. Hey, at least we get a new location out of the deal.
• “The principle’s a she!?!” exclaims new tranfer stepbrother Vince. Wonder why that movie wasn’t made.

Okay, 20 minutes in. Time to give this movie a break and pick it up another night. Whew.