magic puppy

It’s time to watch Magic Puppy, from the writer and director team behind A Talking Cat!?!, and spew out words as they come to me. It’ll be terrible.

• Opening credits call the movie The Magic Puppy. Which differs from Magic Puppy, A Magic Puppy, A Halloween Puppy, and The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure. This movie has 5 different titles. And you thought it didn’t get worse than Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.
• Opening credits use music NOT from A Talking Cat!?! and look semi professional. Except for the random floating Glamour Shots of dogs next to Frankenstein(’s monster)s.
• Jerk slow motion pan over a model city made of damp cardboard. And, pan down to an establishing shot used in A Talking Cat!?! The one where Phil is quoting Humphrey Bogart.
• Kristine DeBell stumbles down the hallway in a POV shot to wake her sleeping son. It is night time. The perfect time to wake someone up to tell them about your day at work.
• Pumpkin wipe transition.
• Two scenes without a shirtless man. David DeCoteau is losing his touch.
• Classic Kristine DeBell. Pausing with a dumb look on her face, assumedly trying to remember her lines.
• Enter Eric Roberts, who sticks his fingers in all the donuts he just brought, licks his fingers, and sticks them back in.
• 10 minute mark. Zero puppies.
• Ghost wipe transition.
• Ne-CHROME-a-con? It’s pronounce ne-al-u-min-ium-a-con, dummies.
• The sun is having a heart attack trying to light the actor’s faces. Outside.
• This kid’s 30 year old girlfriend looks like she needs a hit.
• Needless to say, this film takes place is the same house used in many David DeCoteau movies.
• Cabin casually brought up. Because if you have two locations to use, you need to use them in every film.
• Enter the twins. Who are…bullies? Passive aggressive bullies. They look like they might strip at any moment, but don’t.
• Mom comes out to help her son, and then lets the “bullies” steal the Halloween decorations.
• Witch wipe transition.
• 20 minute mark. Still no dogs.
• The entire score is someone vamping on cymbals and the piano.
• Roberts and DeBell are working on their relationship. So they’re going on a weekend away together. With DeBell’s son. And his girlfriend. So all by themselves, except the other people.
• Eric Roberts turns in a performance equal to or lesser than that of A Talking Cat!?! Sounds sleepy/drugged.
• Son’s 30 year old girlfriend is trying to cast spells. Which accidently turns Eric Roberts into…a sleepier Eric Roberts.
• The most intense blue filter is being used to represent night time. But that doesn’t work when the clouds are solid white.
• Night time outside, no blue filter day inside. “Goodnight mom.”
• And now, 27 minutes in, Eric Roberts become a dog. DeBell call’s to her son to look at this. And, in classic DeCoteau fashion, we get to see the son wind his way down the huge stair case and waste our damn time.
• Eric Roberts doesn’t seem to know he is a dog. Sadly, his mouth isn’t being horribly animated. At least the dog is staying in on place without the use of a laser pointer.
• Now the family is taking this strange dog along with them on the trip. Because logic.
• Why is everyone afraid of these twins? Also, nobody has changed their clothes. It is tomorrow, after all. I think. I can’t tell, because it’s not night day.
• Stock white car driving around scene. I’d say the people in the car are vamping their conversation, but anything made up off the cuff would sound better than this.
• Oh my god, this driving scene will never end.
• And we arrive a second standard DeCoteau location, the cabin.
• This is a kids movie. What kid hasn’t dreamed about how an adult relationship on the brink of disaster might change if one of the adults turned into a dog?
• More Eric Roberts voice over of him making general discovers about things a dog might think.
• Location…3? Mind blown. Inside lives girlfriend’s witch friend. Or a hippy.
• And the DeBell petting and playing with puppy Eric Roberts scene is where the sex would go in a non-kids DeCoteau film.
• No grown woman should be wearing this many beads.
• And back to petting Eric Roberts.
• 45 minutes in. Still no shirtless boys.
• I can’t believe there are 35 minutes left.
• Time to talk about why Eric Roberts hasn’t found it way to the cabin. This will, in all likelihood, last for 35 minutes.
• You guys! Quit talking about Eric Roberts! He’s right over there! And a dog! Yikes! You guys are going to be sooooo embarrassed.
• Eric Roberts doesn’t want to go to the pound because he has a family already. Which explains why he is dating someone. Wait a sec…
• More petting Eric Roberts action. Also, Kristine DeBell just ate some grass.
• You guys! Every religion and tribe regards this time of year as sacred! I believe it, because I heard it from a hippy who pretends to be a witch in a kids movie!
• Through nonsensical logic, the boy and 47 year old girlfriend figure out they turned Eric Roberts into a puppy. How do you reverse a spell? Say the same spell…backwards! There is your magical antidote to any spell cast on you.
• This magic effect is the same one used when Duffy is saved (dies for our sins) in A Talking Cat!?!
• So now we have 24 minutes of trying to turn Eric Roberts back into Eric Roberts.
• Now everyone needs to go BACK from the cabin to the first house to turn Eric Roberts back. But they have time to stop at some haunted houses along the way. Along the deserted road in the country where they are the only car for miles around.
• A Talking Cat!?! was a delight of massive horribleness. This movie is a bland dull bad that is tough to watch.
• One hour in, no shirtless fellas.
• Oh no! I forgot. Since they’re going back to the first location, they have to show the car driving and “ad lib” conversation again for five minutes.
• Whoa, a shot of cars driving in the city! That’s new and slightly exciting.
• Ghost wipe back to the first house.
• Oh no! The twins left their haunted house on the off chance they’d find someone running around with an old spell book. Logical!
• If boy wants the book back, he has to go through the twins’ haunted house! Oh no?
• In the haunted house? Gravestones. Couch with sheet on it. Child’s drawing. Rubber bat. Cotton spiderwebs. Plastic spider. Chair with sheet on it. More cobwebs. Cowboy and gorilla. Cowboy and gorilla.
• Oh no! That old hippie lady was Cindy from the Brady Bunch.
• Synopsis of 50 year old girlfriends most recent movie: A Christian girl goes off to college for her freshman year and begins to be influenced by her popular Biology professor who teaches that evolution is the answer to the origins of life. When her father suspects something happening, he begins to examine the situation and what he discovers completely catches him off guard. Now very concerned about his daughter drifting away from the faith, he tries to do something about it.
• From witchcraft to young Earth Creationist propaganda in two films. That’d make anyone’s head spin.
• 60 year old girlfriend scares cowboy with magic. Cowboy hides behind gorilla. They retreat.
• BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE FILTER!
• And Eric Roberts is Eric Roberts again. With…12 minutes left in the movie. With 5 minutes held over for credits, we still have 7 minutes of bullshit left.
• Eric Roberts is moving his neck around like a velociraptor. I’m not handling this well.
• Oh, 70 year old girlfriend finally kissed the young boy. Because they weren’t girlfriend/boyfriend this whole time.
• And now, 9 minutes of credits. 9 minutes? There is no god.
• That’s it. The end. Do not watch Magic Puppy. Seriously. No shirtless guys. What’s the point?