Now it’s time for the scene you’ve all been waiting for. The “Phil cleans off the table” scene. Oh, it’s going to be so good! Action. Suspense. Drama. Comedy. This is will have it all.
So Phil heads to the table and…oh no! A distracting meow! Stay on target, Phil! The table! The table! Yes, good. Spray it a bit. That’s how you clean a table. Get in there! What is that, lemon scent? Nice choice. A real clean smell.
No! Don’t go over to the cat! Table, Phil! Table! How is it going to get clean? You don’t want to embarrass your son in front of whats-her-name, do you? Tina or something. I don’t remember. He only said her name twice and it was in scenes where she wasn’t present. It’s probably not important.
Dammit! Phil quit cleaning. Duffy, the talking cat, ruined everything. Sorry, everyone. The table is a lost cause. We’ll have to travel to where this scene takes us.
Phil starts talking to a talking cat, and I know what you’re thinking. “Well, it’s a talking cat. It’s going to talk back.” WRONG! Obviously YOU aren’t the writer of Death Racers starring the Insane Clown Posse. Or, maybe you are. Hello if you’re reading this, Andrew Helm. Sorry for all the sentence fragments. I’m writing on a blog.
Anywho, Duffy isn’t about to start talking because…we don’t know yet. Sure, we hear Duffy’s inner monologue. And, sure, he’s responding to Phil’s conversation with his inner monologue. But Phil can’t hear him.
Duffy silently argues with Phil over the proper pronunciation of “Duffy,” each of them saying it correctly each time. Even if Phil could hear Duffy, it would be a pointless argument because there is nothing to argue about because they’re both saying it correctly.
I have a feeling that most of the cat’s inner monologue was improvised. And improvised poorly. They stuck Eric Roberts in a booth with a monitor, microphone, and nerve toxin and told him to comment on things as if he were the cat. “Who told you to stop scratching?” “I should probably follow him (cat doesn’t move), but…there’s nothing better than a cat nap.”
Oh, by the way. Fun fact. Duffy doesn’t remember his first owner. Because he is a cat and he will eat your face after you die. That’s how much owners mean to cats.
And now, the scene is over. With no new information gained, no table cleaned, and no talking cat. A Talking Cat!?!, ladies and gentlemen.