A Talking Cat!?!

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Horrible Mother is Horrible

Horrible Mother!?!

After a quick (who am I kidding, it’s long) shot of a beautiful sewer culvert, we cut from the living room to outside the living room. Certainly, a change of location that deserves more lingering establishing shots.

It’s time for horrible mother Susan to try and not be horrible for once. She has done a lot of yelling at her dumb kids for being dumb. Must be time to tell Trent he isn’t dumb, the big dummy.

Trent, you idiot! Why are you using a drill bit extension?

Screw It!?!

How deep do you plan on screwing?

Enough double entendre. Susan comforts Trent a bit. Makes sure he doesn’t think he’s dumb because she doesn’t think he’s dumb. He just doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. Maybe a hug will make things better.

Nope. Now Trent is more depressed than ever. Better go back to drilling some wood. Good scene, everyone. That’s a wrap. Grab some off brand M&Ms at the craft services table and be ready to go in 5.

Did somebody call for a handyman?

A Talking Cat!?! is a porno without the porn. James Gunn can only dream of making something this absurd for PG Porn. All the pauses, lingering shots of scenery, cars driving around for uninterrupted minutes. This is where people should be getting it on. But this is a kids movie, so there is no slapping slipperies. What?

Handyman!?!

In fact, director David DeCoteau and actress Kristine DeBell started out in porn. It seems like they haven’t learned anything about pacing or acting since. A movie needs to have more than 15 minutes of plot. That’s how normal movies work. And people can’t just show up at houses and get invited in. That’s not how the world works.

Enter the handyman, our down in the mouth brother Trent. He’s going to “fix a fence.” He’s actually going to fix a fence, but he is stopped by the two domineering women sitting on the couch together. Again, porno.

It’s a good thing Trent is going to fix the fence, because Susan says she feels like she’s going to fall right through it.

Fall right through the fence. This fence.

Fence!?!

The fence that you would never ever lean against. The fence that is seated two feet back from a waist high wall. The fence that you wouldn’t approach from the other side because of all the plants in the way. That fence. You’re going to “fix that fence.” Chris and Phil are going to “order a pizza.” I’m not even stretching here. It’s a porno!

Oh, but forget all that! Susan needs help “making some cheese puffs.”