acting

That’s Normal

The scene starts with Chris sulking by the pool. The pool he is afraid of. In fact, he’s dipping his tootsies in the pool. This kid isn’t afraid of swimming at all! It’s all some sort of…act. Not that I’d go so far as to say there is acting in A Talking Cat!?!

Chris was just inside tutoring Frannie. Now he is alone outside. I assume Frannie is still inside, since A Talking Cat!?! wouldn’t waste an opportunity to drain 30 seconds of your life away with an “I’m leaving now oh goodbye then see you later” scene.

Then Duffy, the talking cat, starts talking to Chris. Chris says “did you just…” and that’s as surprised as he gets that a cat is talking to him. He delivers the line (half a line) like he got the wrong candy bar from a vending machine. Then he chows down on the Mounds bar like it’s what he wanted all along.

Duffy spends his “can only talk once” rule commiserating over his shared dislike for water. Chris then drops a bombshell on us! He doesn’t know what to tell his dad!

Chris! Your dad will accept you no matter who you love! Wait, no. That’s not it. He’s worried that his dad won’t love him since he doesn’t know how to swim. What? What is this nonsense? How long have you lived in this damn house, Chris? I think he knows. A father always knows. That you can’t swim.

Duffy drops some knowledge on us. If you can talk to a cat, you can talk to your dad. Is this not about swimming? I mean, we know Chris despises his father. His constant eye rolling is a big tip-off. If it isn’t about swimming, then maybe Chris should have transitioned the conversation a little more gradually. Duffy might not be able to follow. Just because a cat can talk doesn’t mean it suddenly grew a giant brain too.

Time for another jarring turn in the conversation. Duffy is advising Chris to never squander an opportunity. Which comes out of nowhere. This is the perfect time for Chris to change the conversation AGAIN and ask if Frannie likes him. To which Duffy responds by getting up and walking away. In silence.

Because Chris is stuck in a bear trap, he can not move the 2 miles per hour required to follow Duffy. Also, Chris must have cataracts because he loses sight of Duffy two seconds after he starts walking away. Also, Chris is dumb and everyone is dumb and this music is dumb.

And Mounds bars are dumb.

A Guy Who Likes Ham

EDIT: spinolson pointed out that I said Tina instead of Frannie. This has been corrected. I’d like to say this is the last time I mistake the two girls, but it won’t be.

Don’t mention ham in a movie where Johnny Whitaker acts. You don’t want to draw the comparison.

In this scene from A Talking Cat!?!, Chris is helping Frannie study Hamlet. Frannie is really dumb. Or she pretends to be dumb. I think she’s really dumb. She says Hamlet is about a guy who likes ham. Even if you were pretending to be dumb, you could think of something funnier to say than that. So Frannie is dumb dumb.

Frannie also won’t shut up about swimming. She’s like a black hole of character depth. Frannie has taken the infinite amount of character choices in the universe and refined them all into a singular one-dimensional point in space that destroys all it touches. “FRANNIE SWIM,” screams the black hole. But you can’t hear it, because not even light can escape from FRANNIE SWIM.

Also, during this scene there is acting!?!

Chris is nervous because he likes girls (no he doesn’t) and doesn’t like swimming (true). In a situation with girls and swimming, Chris is close to tears. There is only so much stammering you can do to prove you’re nervous about girls and swimming.

Frannie touches Chris and tells him what Hamlet is really about. A man who can’t make a decision in the face of the obvious. Hey! Dummy! What’s the deal? Quit being a dick! If you know what Hamlet is about, quit wasting everyone’s time! Use the public pool like everyone else and leave Chris and his pool alone. He obviously doesn’t like you.

Hamlet hasn’t been this sullied since Mel Gibson tried to play the 17-year-old.

Power in Nothing

Acting with your eyes closed is the most powerful kind of acting.