A riveting one-sided conversation from A Talking Cat!?! Some dialogue removed, but nothing added. Seriously. This is a fantastic script.
(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)
What is that!?!
Your movie is about A Talking Cat!?! How about you find a trainable cat! Or, failing that, a cat that will drink milk without throwing…what…tuna in there? Clay? What is that?
Fine. You have to use a laser pointer to corral the cat. The editor should have taken out the shots where the laser pointer is visible.
But the script calls for a cat to drink milk, I guess. And if there is no milk, the director walks. It’d be the end of the world if it was eating tuna from a bowl. It has to be milk!
Get another cat! Any cat would better. You picked the worst cat! Why did you pick this cat?
(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)
The Beauty of Nature
It should be pointed out that the talking cat in A Talking Cat!?! hasn’t talked yet. We’ve heard its thoughts about beeping machines, yes. It sniffed some shoes, sure. But its mouth hasn’t opened to speak yet. There’s a reason for that, which we’ll get to when the talking actually happens.
Until then, we are treated to the voice of Eric Roberts at it floats blissfully over beautiful shots of nature, like this one.
Oh, sorry. That was a sewer culvert. Ummm, well. There are some waterfalls and palm trees in the movie too. But also, a sewer culvert.
As we gaze at the beauty of the culvert, Duffy (the talking cat) explains that he is a “human whisperer” and it’s his job to bring people together at just the right time.
Why? How? Shush. You and your stupid questions. I bet you’re that kind of person who was disappointed by the end of Lost.
Me too.
Let me lay out our playing pieces so far. We have a father and son who hate each other/run a murder hotel. We have another terrible family filled with horrible people. And we have a cat that is going to bring all this hate and spite together under one roof.
Maybe this is a kids movie after all.
Omar Will Watch Anything
Yes! A video recap of A Talking Cat!?! from 2 Broke Geeks, who have their own Tumblr right here.
Love all the content people are putting together on A Talking Cat!?! The word keeps spreading!
(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)
As shown in the Reading is Hard video I created, Tina finds a job opportunity on her beeping machine. Well, @TheRealAlbrot pointed me towards the actual job description pulled from a FOX affiliate for a traffic assistant.
Sorry, Tina. A college degree is preferred. You should really talk about business college some more.
https://atalkingcat.com/as-shown-in-the-reading-is-hard-video-i-created/
Trent and Business
Trent is a man out of place in A Talking Cat!?! He’s a sensitive boy who likes to go for long walks and is handy around the house. He’s basically a generic dating profile. He also has a slamming body. What? David DeCoteau doesn’t cast guys unless they look good with their shirts off.
Our introduction to Trent goes like this. He enters from screen right, leans over his sister menacingly, and growls “stop bugging mom about business college.” Trent sounds like a bully, but really he’s stuck in a horrible situation with a wretched mother and a wicked sister. Something about this sounds familiar. Oh well.
Mom stands by, concerned about her shoes (really), as this exchange happens.
Tina: Why don’t you shut it?
Trent: Why don’t YOU shut it, you’re the annoying one.
Tina: No, you’re the one who doesn’t even know what he’s going to do with his life. At least I have direction and purpose.
Trent: And if only you had a personality, you might have a future.
Tina: I hate you Trent.
Trent: Ditto.
Holy crap! Mom! Say something!
MOTY: Can you guys give it a rest and help me find my shoes or I won’t feed you for a week.
Whoops, sorry I asked you to say something, mom. You were woefully unprepared to speak. Sorry I put you in a tough spot. This one is my fault.
Remember when you felt sorry for Tina because she couldn’t go to business college? That was 10 seconds ago. Now she’s the awful girl who dresses down her brother in front of an uncaring and self-absorbed mother.
But what about mom’s shoes? Don’t worry. Trent spies them outside on the other side of the wall. Mom looks and agrees she can see the shoes that she can’t see because they’re on the other side of the wall.
Outside, at the shoes, Duffy the talking cat is in the middle of a sales presentation when these humans interrupt him. At least, I think it’s a sales presentation. Can’t think of any other reason a cat would have a laser pointer. Unless someone is a really bad cat wrangler and also the editor of the movie can’t edit out a laser pointer.
When you think about it, what makes more sense? That TWO people on one movie did a horrible job, or a cat is giving a sales presentation? Occam’s razor, my friends. That cat is most definitely in the middle of a PowerPoint deck.
Two households, both alike in dignity
That’s enough Phil and Chris for now. While they’re busy with fractured conversation about cats, girls, and pizza, we’ll visit a cabin in the woods. Or a house in the woods. “Weren’t we just on a beach with palm trees,” you might be inclined to ask. Yes. Yes we were.
Welcome to the home of Susan (the mommy), Tina (the daughter), and Trent (the son). Another single parent household, you say? Guess that means Phil and Susan are going to hook up at some point. And they do. The end.
Sorry, no. There’s more. We are introduced to Susan, Mother of the Year, as she searches high and low for her shoes. “But she’s wearing shoes,” you might say. You are correct. But these are open-toed shoes and might offend her clients. Susan does run a catering business, after all.
Jeez, movie! Slow it down! You can’t move us from a scene with 9 lines total to a scene with actual content. You’ll give us a case of the information bends.
Susan’s daughter, Tina, is sitting on the couch with her computer. She must like computers and be really good at computers. She is using a computer, after all. Tina starts to talk when MOTY (Mother of the Year, remember?) shuts her down with an “and no, you CAN’T go to business college.”
Wow! That’s a little harsh. Susan really hates business college. And her daughter. Susan continues, “You’re too brilliant and smart.” Too brilliant smart for business college? Is there something I don’t know about business college?
“…for your own good.” Oh, there was more to that sentence. Maybe you could try being better at acting. Pausing means a sentence is over, not “here comes more sentence.”
So they don’t have enough money because shoeless catering isn’t taking off. It’s not fair, though, because Tina’s website would make a lot of money. What website? (so many questions, I’m so sorry, everybody) Who knows? She is good at computers though. Because she’s holding a computer.
Susan is sure Tina’s website would make a lot of money but mom says she can’t even afford proper footwear.
Hold up, MOTY. I thought you just lost your shoes. Are you poor, forgetful, cruel, or a combination of all three?
Then brother Trent enters and says “quit bugging mom about business college!”
Ahhh, Trent. We’ll get to you in the next update.
Who is A Talking Cat!?! for!?!
A Talking Cat!?! is not a movie for kids. As much as I want everyone to watch this movie, all parents should be warned against showing A Talking Cat!?! to children. It won’t scar them with swears and nudity, but they will be bored and disappointed. There is nothing for them in this movie.
The fact is, A Talking Cat!?! is not for anybody. Well, my opinion is A Talking Cat!?! is for nobody. Just because I say the word “fact” doesn’t make it a fact. But, man, who was the intended audience for this thing?
A talking animal does not make a kids movie make. Especially when the animal’s voice sounds like empty bottles of booze being thrown down a hole lined with güiros. There are no themes in this movie for kids to relate to. Did someone really think “what will a rich man do with himself once he’s retired” would appeal to children? Hell, it doesn’t apply to the 99 percent!
Kids can be pretty dumb, but you can’t serve them a plate of excrement and expect them to smile while they eat it.
Is A Talking Cat!?! a family movie? No! These are horrible families. The brother and sister in the film are amazingly cruel to each other and their mother is no better. Everyone in this movie hates everyone around them. In the end, the titular cat doesn’t draw people together so much as it distracts them from their own petty bullshit for a few minutes.
Is it a movie for adults? No! There is a talking cat in it, shoddy sound, poor editing, terrible scripting, and La Cucaracha plays far too often. If an adult is concerned about learning how to swim to impress a girl then they may like this movie. But if that’s the case, they probably have overarching personality issues that would keep them from enjoying A Talking Cat!?!
So who is this film for? The lazy and the cynical. This film capitalizes on people who read the title and think this would be great for their kids, and people like me who read the title and think “oh man, this is going to be so bad.”
How is this a business model for movies? You know you have to pay Eric Roberts in real money, right? Licensing the distribution of a large quantity of hastily filmed movies can’t be that lucrative, can it? And if it is, I’m free to voice anything you want. I’ve been working on a voice for a seal that saves arbor day. It’s there Ar-Ar-Arbor Day Seal! Give me a call.
In conclusion, do not show A Talking Cat!?! to children. But do show it to everyone else. It is an amazing train wreck of a film.
Reading is Hard
A Talking Cat!?! teaches us that sometimes reading is hard.
(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)
Make Friends and Influence Mothers
Six seconds that will convince anyone to watch A Talking Cat!?!
(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)