A Guy Who Likes Ham

EDIT: spinolson pointed out that I said Tina instead of Frannie. This has been corrected. I’d like to say this is the last time I mistake the two girls, but it won’t be.

Don’t mention ham in a movie where Johnny Whitaker acts. You don’t want to draw the comparison.

In this scene from A Talking Cat!?!, Chris is helping Frannie study Hamlet. Frannie is really dumb. Or she pretends to be dumb. I think she’s really dumb. She says Hamlet is about a guy who likes ham. Even if you were pretending to be dumb, you could think of something funnier to say than that. So Frannie is dumb dumb.

Frannie also won’t shut up about swimming. She’s like a black hole of character depth. Frannie has taken the infinite amount of character choices in the universe and refined them all into a singular one-dimensional point in space that destroys all it touches. “FRANNIE SWIM,” screams the black hole. But you can’t hear it, because not even light can escape from FRANNIE SWIM.

Also, during this scene there is acting!?!

Chris is nervous because he likes girls (no he doesn’t) and doesn’t like swimming (true). In a situation with girls and swimming, Chris is close to tears. There is only so much stammering you can do to prove you’re nervous about girls and swimming.

Frannie touches Chris and tells him what Hamlet is really about. A man who can’t make a decision in the face of the obvious. Hey! Dummy! What’s the deal? Quit being a dick! If you know what Hamlet is about, quit wasting everyone’s time! Use the public pool like everyone else and leave Chris and his pool alone. He obviously doesn’t like you.

Hamlet hasn’t been this sullied since Mel Gibson tried to play the 17-year-old.