Happy Halloween from @aric
Happy Halloween from @aric
It’s time to watch Magic Puppy, from the writer and director team behind A Talking Cat!?!, and spew out words as they come to me. It’ll be terrible.
Magic Puppy, formerly known as A Magic Puppy, A Halloween Puppy, and The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure, is now streaming with its new dog, poster, and tagline. This Halloween, unleash the IMPAWSIBLE with Eric Roberts.
Magic Puppy is written by the same person who wrote A Talking Cat!?! I could have used a bunch of sarcastic quotation marks there, but I didn’t.
Night falls on A Talking Cat!?! How do we know it’s night? Because a dark blue filter is put over the scenes shot during the day. This is a cost-cutting measure done by movies in the 1960s. The 1960s. For an outside shot, it isn’t the worst. If I’d have fallen off of a skateboard in the last ten minutes, I might believe that that isn’t the sun hidden behind some clouds. Let’s see if this self-delusion and head injury combination helps for an inside scene.
Oh, wait. Maybe everyone isn’t dying, but let’s stop for a second and consider the lighting in this scene. If blue is used to indicate darkness, then Susan, Trent, and Tina are sitting around in a completely dark house with no lights on. Aside from the glaring sunlight coming in through the back window. Moonlight! I meant glaring moonlight.
With this blue filter technique, blue represents darkness. This is so the audience can see what is going on but the actors are supposed to pretend that they are in the dark.
Tina is looking at her computer. Trent is supposedly watching TV. These are light sources. But everything is blue. I mean, this whole film is lazy. But this is really lazy. Really really lazy. There is so much real nighttime! At night! Hours of it, in fact! Use some of it instead of none of it. Or set the goddamn scene during the day!
What’s this scene about? Everyone is horribly sick and Susan is on a call about a catering job. This job is for a toy company. Or a meeting for a toy company. This toy company is meeting with investors and wants things catered by a single mom with one oven.
If Susan can trick this toy company into thinking she’s competent, then she’ll have a permanent job catering for them! During investor meetings, I guess. Which happen once a year. Shh, don’t think about it.
Anywho, Susan is giddy and once again uses her kids for labor. This is a sustainable plan. Trent, the kiss-up, tell his sister that she “better not mess this up for mom like you messed up your face.” Susan doesn’t hear this. She is all the way in the kitchen.
Duffy, the talking cat, appears for some reason. Tina begins talking to Duffy quietly about previous events, to which Susan replies “are you talking to me?” Dammit, Susan! Are you in the kitchen or not? Either hear nothing or hear everything. This kitchen sound logic is driving me crazy.
Which brings this scene, where at least 50 things are wrong, to a close.
Oh, wait. First Susan makes Tina take Duffy outside, which she does. We cut to another fake moon shot and then cut back to Duffy and Tina INSIDE for another 30 seconds before going on to the next scene. Because that’s how inside and outside work. Now the scene is over.
The scene starts with Chris sulking by the pool. The pool he is afraid of. In fact, he’s dipping his tootsies in the pool. This kid isn’t afraid of swimming at all! It’s all some sort of…act. Not that I’d go so far as to say there is acting in A Talking Cat!?!
Chris was just inside tutoring Frannie. Now he is alone outside. I assume Frannie is still inside, since A Talking Cat!?! wouldn’t waste an opportunity to drain 30 seconds of your life away with an “I’m leaving now oh goodbye then see you later” scene.
Then Duffy, the talking cat, starts talking to Chris. Chris says “did you just…” and that’s as surprised as he gets that a cat is talking to him. He delivers the line (half a line) like he got the wrong candy bar from a vending machine. Then he chows down on the Mounds bar like it’s what he wanted all along.
Duffy spends his “can only talk once” rule commiserating over his shared dislike for water. Chris then drops a bombshell on us! He doesn’t know what to tell his dad!
Chris! Your dad will accept you no matter who you love! Wait, no. That’s not it. He’s worried that his dad won’t love him since he doesn’t know how to swim. What? What is this nonsense? How long have you lived in this damn house, Chris? I think he knows. A father always knows. That you can’t swim.
Duffy drops some knowledge on us. If you can talk to a cat, you can talk to your dad. Is this not about swimming? I mean, we know Chris despises his father. His constant eye rolling is a big tip-off. If it isn’t about swimming, then maybe Chris should have transitioned the conversation a little more gradually. Duffy might not be able to follow. Just because a cat can talk doesn’t mean it suddenly grew a giant brain too.
Time for another jarring turn in the conversation. Duffy is advising Chris to never squander an opportunity. Which comes out of nowhere. This is the perfect time for Chris to change the conversation AGAIN and ask if Frannie likes him. To which Duffy responds by getting up and walking away. In silence.
Because Chris is stuck in a bear trap, he can not move the 2 miles per hour required to follow Duffy. Also, Chris must have cataracts because he loses sight of Duffy two seconds after he starts walking away. Also, Chris is dumb and everyone is dumb and this music is dumb.
And Mounds bars are dumb.
This sums up the next scene.
EDIT: spinolson pointed out that I said Tina instead of Frannie. This has been corrected. I’d like to say this is the last time I mistake the two girls, but it won’t be.
Don’t mention ham in a movie where Johnny Whitaker acts. You don’t want to draw the comparison.
In this scene from A Talking Cat!?!, Chris is helping Frannie study Hamlet. Frannie is really dumb. Or she pretends to be dumb. I think she’s really dumb. She says Hamlet is about a guy who likes ham. Even if you were pretending to be dumb, you could think of something funnier to say than that. So Frannie is dumb dumb.
Frannie also won’t shut up about swimming. She’s like a black hole of character depth. Frannie has taken the infinite amount of character choices in the universe and refined them all into a singular one-dimensional point in space that destroys all it touches. “FRANNIE SWIM,” screams the black hole. But you can’t hear it, because not even light can escape from FRANNIE SWIM.
Also, during this scene there is acting!?!
Chris is nervous because he likes girls (no he doesn’t) and doesn’t like swimming (true). In a situation with girls and swimming, Chris is close to tears. There is only so much stammering you can do to prove you’re nervous about girls and swimming.
Frannie touches Chris and tells him what Hamlet is really about. A man who can’t make a decision in the face of the obvious. Hey! Dummy! What’s the deal? Quit being a dick! If you know what Hamlet is about, quit wasting everyone’s time! Use the public pool like everyone else and leave Chris and his pool alone. He obviously doesn’t like you.
Hamlet hasn’t been this sullied since Mel Gibson tried to play the 17-year-old.
Alan Joyce edited together all the clips from A Talking Cat!?! referencing technology. Namely, beeping machines. Enjoy!