The hard of hearing experience A Talking Cat!?! in an entirely different way.
https://atalkingcat.com/2013/03/26/the-hard-of-hearing-experience-a-talking-cat-in/
24 minutes in, a cat talks
Here it is, folks! The moment you’ve all been waiting for! Duffy, the talking cat from A Talking Cat!?! is finally going to talk!?! Are you ready for it?
I don’t think you’re ready for it. Maybe if Tina talks to some unknown party on the phone for a bit, that will prepare your weak hearts and soft minds for the incredible revelation of a cat who can talk.
During the course of Tina’s conversation, she says “I know” nine different times. Sounds like she’s married, AM I RIGHT FELLAS!?! Internet high five.
While Tina is saying “I know” a bunch, Duffy thinks to himself that he either “really likes the look of [Tina’s] beeping machine” or “really like for [Tina] to look at your beeping machine.” It doesn’t really matter what he says, in the same way that it doesn’t matter what someone says in their sleep. Remember, it’s always dangerous to wake Eric Roberts.
And then, even though you had steadied yourself for it, you are consumed by the blackest black you have ever seen. Hopefully you are watching A Talking Cat!?! on a plasma screen so you can really feel the depth of hell that is Duffy’s mouth.
Duffy’s mouth is where dreams and wishes go to die. It’s less a mouth and more a rip in time and space. Something that threatens to consume the very structure of the universe we know. Eyes will melt. Atoms will be torn apart. Warranties will expire. Duffy’s mouth comes from an unknowable place, and it’s best not to look directly at it.
Also, if you’re looking for a band name, Duffy’s Mouth is pretty good.
What words come out of Duffy’s sadness rip? “Read your beeping machine.” A beeping machine being a computer. Because we can’t expect a talking cat to know the word “computer.”
Tina is appropriately confused. A cat just talked. She has a lot of questions like “why” and “who” and “how.” Duffy rebuts her questions by continuing to insist she reads her beeping machine.
We know this scene is ridiculous. But it’s even more ridiculous than you think.
Scientifically speaking, a teenage girl is always 43.2 seconds away from looking at her computer. That’s a fact I just made up. So Tina is bound to look at her computer very soon. Duffy’s insistence that Tina looks at her computer is actually keeping Tina from looking at her computer. It’s like quantum physics. You’re changing the outcome by inserting yourself into it.
In trying to help Tina, Duffy is actually doing more damage. Duffy is a horrible cat.
Oh man, there is so much more scene to go over, and the only things that have really been said are “I know” and “read your beeping machine.” We’ll get to the logistics of a talking cat and more horrible Susan next time.
I Can Only Speak To You Once
A Talking Cat!?! asks you to suspend a lot of disbelief. To quantify this, let’s say you have 1,000 blue whales. First, I’d like to compliment you on your whale collect. That’s quite an accomplishment. But let’s say you killed and hollowed out those whales and then you filled those whales with liquified pandas. And that those liquified pandas represented disbelief. 1,000 blue whales full of liquified pandas is the amount of disbelief you need to suspend for A Talking Cat!?!
Duffy, the talking cat, has an odd restriction. He can only speak to someone once. What does that mean? It means the animation budget for A Talking Cat!?! rests somewhere between the $9.95 and $10.03 mark. But more specifically, what constitutes “once?”
It doesn’t mean one sentence. It doesn’t mean one topic. Maybe it’s one conversation, but the boundaries of a conversation are mushy like a newborn’s head.
I can accept that there is a talking cat. I can accept that the cat wants to help people. What I can’t accept is that nobody calls him on this “once” business. When you get three wishes (like we’ve all gotten), your first wish is always for infinite wishes. It’s human nature to test loopholes and restrictions.
So, let’s say a cat just talked to you. You’re not going to simply freak out, then listen, and finally go about your business. You’re going to poke. You’re going to prod. You’re going to whip out your smartphone and capture this moment.
There is a lot wrong with A Talking Cat!?!, but the single biggest issue is that nobody acts like a human being. They act like aliens pretending to be humans. Humans like business college. Humans like cheese puffs. Humans love website and algorithms.
It’s like A Talking Cat!?! was written by a middle school extraterrestrial who based their entire project on a single microfiche article, and spent the rest of their study time trying to find dirty pictures in the encyclopedia.
In conclusion, A Talking Cat!?! is full of people should not be allowed near swimming pools or ovens, for their own safety. But they spend a lot of time near pools and ovens. I find their continued state of non-death hard to believe.
This April 1st, instead of putting cellophane over the toilet, introduce someone you know to A Talking Cat!?!
https://atalkingcat.com/2013/03/29/this-april-1st-instead-of-putting-cellophane-over/
Comedy Duo of the Century
Not since Abbott and Costello have we seen a more perfect team than Susan and Tina. Let’s take look at their well crafted comedy routine from A Talking Cat!?!
Tina: Mom!
Susan: There’s a cat in here.
Tina: I know there’s a cat in here. It was just talking to me!
Susan: Why is there a cat in here?
Tina: It just is. Did you not hear what I just said? It was talking to me!
Susan: Here kitty kitty. Maybe it’s hungry. Should I get it some milk?
Tina: No. It talks! Like, it doesn’t just meow. It was just talking to me. Like words. Sentences. Languages! Out loud! To me!
Susan: Tina. Just calm down, okay? You’re scaring the cat.
Tina: I’m scaring the cat? It was just talking to me!
Susan: Where’s your brother?
What A Talking Cat!?! has, that Who’s On First? does not, is a firm lack of listening. The key to being a perfect comedic duo is ignoring your partner completely. Your teammate may be yelling and screaming, but as a comedian it’s your job to treat them with the same regard you’d give a ghost that is asking for 25 cents in bus fare.
Hopefully Susan and Tina do a nationwide tour soon, because their Knock Knock? Barcalounger! routine is so much better in person.