All about the movie A Talking Cat!?!
With the long sight lines in the A Talking Cat!?! 1313 house, how the hell did Chris disappear like that? He was just there! The prevailing theory is wizardry.
Also, Phil (and the camera) spend an awful lot of time looking for Chris. Well, not an awful lot of time. But an awful lot of uninteresting time.
If it isn’t wizardry, Liam Neeson needs to be called in stat.
https://atalkingcat.com/2013/03/14/with-the-long-sight-lines-in-the-a-talking-cat/
20 minutes into A Talking Cat!?! and Duffy, the talking cat, still hasn’t talked. Let me remind you that this move is 83 minutes long. 10 minutes of which are credits. We’re a quarter of the way through A Talking Cat!?! and our talking cat has only had creepy thoughts about teenage girls.
On to the current scene, which finds Tina and her mother named…something…being horrible to each other and everyone around them. Tina! Great idea! Why don’t you take an internship with the people mommy is running a catering event for?
According to A Talking Cat!?!, here’s how you run a catering business.
Oh, and sit on the couch a lot and yell at your kids and never actually be at the venue you’re catering for.
Today, we will focus on the “sitting on the couch and yelling at your kids” portion of this success equation. Susan called Tina jaded because she doesn’t want to work at a toy company.
Boy, this movie is full of tips. Parents, want to relate to your kids? Call them jaded! It will only make your relationship stronger!
Anywho, Tina just knows what she wants, “unlike some people.” This is a dig at her brother Trent, who ISN’T EVEN IN THE ROOM. He’s not even there! Quit being a horrible human being!
If there is one thing A Talking Cat!?! excels in, it’s showing people enter and exit a scene. Trent will NOT let this “unlike some people” comment stand. In he rushes!
Hold up, Trent! Great idea! Why don’t you take the internship? “How much does it pay,” he asks. “I don’t know,” says Susan. “Goofus,” says Tina. “No, you’re the Goofus, actually” says Susan.
WHAT IS HAPPENING? What are you even saying or talking about? Is this how human beings talk? Quit being assholes for two seconds!
Now, before you totally get behind the trodden upon Trent, he spouts this gem:
Besides, toys and stuff is for people with imaginations and creative type stuff.
Oh Trent.
Same music, same house, same director, absentee parents, extended montages, and most of the same actors. An Easter Bunny Puppy is streaming on Netflix and it’s insane.
Lucy: Come in. Want to see the pool out back?
(cut to Lucy and guest playing chess)
Insane.
We’re going to take an ever so short break from A Talking Cat!?! to talk about the intro to David DeCoteau/Mary Crawford’s newest straight to video release An Easter Bunny Puppy. I won’t be going through the whole film, like I’m doing with A Talking Cat!?!, but the intro can not be ignored!
First off, the credits roll to the same song (a simple minded cover of a French or Spanish song that I don’t know the name of) from the A Talking Cat!?! credits. The credits END on the title of the film, instead of starting on it.
Then we cut to the image of the DVD cover, which we stay on for 25 seconds. The image shows a “cute puppy” wearing bunny ears. Over our opening 25 seconds looking at a static image that doesn’t even fill the screen, we are treated to a voice over from our featured puppy. Who isn’t the puppy we are currently looking at. In fact, the voice over points out that the puppy that we’re looking at isn’t the puppy in the story.
The real puppy is still cute, but it isn’t the puppy that the movie opens to. Okay, we get it. That’s not the real puppy. It’s a puppy on the cover of a book that’s being written in the movie. But why are you referencing it? And why is that the actual cover to the actual DVD of the actual movie we’re watching?
So the movie tells us to ignore that puppy, because it isn’t the puppy in this movie. But that’s the puppy we’re looking at when we decide to watch An Easter Bunny Puppy and that’s the puppy we’re looking at when An Easter Bunny Puppy starts.
This movie is self referential and extremely meta, but it’s holding itself up in front of itself as a form of defense. An Easter Bunny Puppy is one long knowing wink to itself in a mirror. It’s bad and it doesn’t make sense and it says as much in the film, but it’s still bad and doesn’t make sense. But it says that. But it doesn’t make sense. But WINK!
It is pretty amazing. Not A Talking Cat!?! amazing, but still pretty amazing.
A Talking Cat!?! is a porno without the porn. James Gunn can only dream of making something this absurd for PG Porn. All the pauses, lingering shots of scenery, cars driving around for uninterrupted minutes. This is where people should be getting it on. But this is a kids movie, so there is no slapping slipperies. What?
In fact, director David DeCoteau and actress Kristine DeBell started out in porn. It seems like they haven’t learned anything about pacing or acting since. A movie needs to have more than 15 minutes of plot. That’s how normal movies work. And people can’t just show up at houses and get invited in. That’s not how the world works.
Enter the handyman, our down in the mouth brother Trent. He’s going to “fix a fence.” He’s actually going to fix a fence, but he is stopped by the two domineering women sitting on the couch together. Again, porno.
It’s a good thing Trent is going to fix the fence, because Susan says she feels like she’s going to fall right through it.
Fall right through the fence. This fence.
The fence that you would never ever lean against. The fence that is seated two feet back from a waist high wall. The fence that you wouldn’t approach from the other side because of all the plants in the way. That fence. You’re going to “fix that fence.” Chris and Phil are going to “order a pizza.” I’m not even stretching here. It’s a porno!
Oh, but forget all that! Susan needs help “making some cheese puffs.”